HELP!!!

I need help!
Yeah!!!
So do you.
Help is vital,
Help makes life a bed of roses.
Help turns water into beer.
And baskets into buckets for carrying water.
Help is everything,
But, a right!
We all desire help,
But no one is entitled.
We’re not even entitled to help from our parents.
If help fortunately comes your way,
Halleluyah!
Else,
Shut up and fight on your own.

Others may help,
But that is not a right.
It is a privilege.
So when you get mad and bitter at people,
Who failed to help when you expected,
Or when you needed them the most,
You’re only jumping over bonfire,
With 2 yards of cotton,
Around your buttocks.

 

HONEYMOON BEFORE THE HEAT

 

”Daddy,will you buy me a big bicycle?”
Asked the smiling Jeff,
Who was happily helping his father sell face masks in traffic.
“Pray for me to get a proper job,
And I’ll buy you anything you want.”
Said the father who was trying hard to hide his teary eyes from Jeff.
“Don’t worry, Daddy.
When I finish school,
I’ll become a pilot and buy you a biiiiig plane.
The landlord won’t worry you and mummy again,
Because we’ll always be up,up,up there in the sky.”

I silently eavesdropped on their conversation with a heavy heart,
At the back seat of the Lapaz Toyota trotro,
With Fan Yogo Chocolate in my left hand,
Boflote GHC2,
With groundnut 50 Pesewas in my right.
Big dreams, made easily achievable,
Complex life, simplified,
In the mind of an innocent child,
Who sees the Elective Maths Section B life,
As a Social Studies Section A paper.

Thank God for making children carefree.
They deserve that honeymoon before being thrown into this heat called life!
God bless the hustle of all the parents/guardians out there in the heat,
Striving day and night,
To make life a bed of roses for their kids/dependants.

SHITTY TALES-RUNNING STOMACH IN A SPINTEX TROTRO

One very hot weekday afternoon,I was on leave from work and decided to step into town to do a few 'kpakpakpa movements'.

I left spintex feeling very fine.I got to the bus stop,caught up with a bus and away we went. As usual,we got stuck up in traffic on the Spintex Road.The heat from the bus got me sweating.Traffic was a normal occurence on that road.

Just before Coca Cola Roundabout,I started having some funny and ungodly feeling in tummy.I wondered where that was coming from coz it was a bit strange.After a few rumblings,I just thought to myself that it'll disappear in no time by itself.

After Coca Cola Roundabout,the traffic got worse.There was very little vehicular movement.We were virtually at a standstill.

Then my tummy decided to reannounce itself.The rumblings became louder and louder.One might think there was a woofer in my tummy.At that moment,I knew there were unwanted luggages that I needed to get rid of from my tummy.

The sweat became so visible on me.Instantly,I became cold.I became like a thermostat.My body was switching between hot and cold. 

Now it got to a point where my butt couldn't rest on the seat.I had to keep adjusting and changing seating positions like a Peugeot 205 manual gear to prevent whatever was in my tummy from breaking bounds . I knew disaster could strike at any moment.

Now I started scanning along the Spintex Road to see if I could find a possible hideout to set my tummy free.I kept scanning along that stretch thinking of which office or public place to run to.Papaye and a few other joints came to mind. I also thought to myself that,maybe I could hold myself till I got to Accra Mall to empty my bowel.

The sad thing was that,this particular trotro in which I found myself had a very unusual driver. The driver was tooooooooo obedient & law-abiding! This driver refused to use the side of the road when other drivers were freely doing so.He didn't allow passengers to alight in the middle of the road even with the traffic.He made sure he parked at the bus stop properly before allowing passengers to alight. I was so,so pissed.I nearly slapped him from behind. I said to myself,that this is the worst time to be law-abiding.Just keep moving!

I was sweating badly and sitting on one side of my butt. Then I decided to suspend a little bit.It was hellish! The lady sitted next to me kept wondering what I was about coz I wasn't stable throughout. She had no idea. This Jesus and Mohammed family member driver remained obediently in traffic for God knows how long. Then I realized,from the look of things that I wouldn't be able to even make it to Flower Pot,let alone Accra Mall. So I decided to just alight when the bus gets to Papaye.

A counter thought came to mind.I was now going to ask where their washrooms were and a whole lot. I wasn't in the mood for delayed answers so I opted against that.Then I remembered my office had an annex along that stretch.I couldn't tell why that never came to mind earlier. 

Now this driver still wasn't using the side of the road.If he had,I don't think I would have remembered this story by now. Gradually, we got to the bus stop leading to the office. Come and see speed. I forgot about the cars on the road and hurriedly crossed to the other side.

Now the office was in sight.I wanted to just get in there and set myself free.But at every step of the way I met someone I knew. And they were like 'Hey,how are you?' 'What are you doing here?' and all those annoying questions. I didn't even respond to most of them.That wasn't the right time to be nice.

I got in the building and had to use the elevator.Using the stairs would have led to my downfall by all means. I managed to get to the washroom on one of the floors and to my anger,someone was occupying the place! Damn! Immediately,I had to rush back into the elevator to the next floor.

I quickly got into the washroom on the next floor and before I could really pull down my jeans and boxer shorts,the flood gates opened! The mere sight of the WC weakened my anal muscles.I just couldn't hold back. The poo missed my boxer shorts by centimetres! I would have messed myself up straight away.

The feeling that went through me when I actually sat on the WC was priceless! It was just magical. I sat on the pot for a loooong time.

They say home is where the heart is.But I say home is where you find relief when you have running stomach..

RTD official 1(Spintex)

#ShittyTales

SHITTY TALES-RUNNING STOMACH IN A VIP BUS

On this fateful Monday morning,I found myself traveling in a VIP bus from Kumasi(Asafo Market) to Accra.

I usually don't eat when travelling.But on this day in particular,I didn't know what the devil whispered into my ears.I decided to buy khebab before boarding the bus.

In less than 20 minutes, the bus was ready to move, and away we went.5 minutes into the journey,I took my khebab nicely. Within 20 minutes, I heard loud 'thunderstorms' in my stomach. My tummy was rumbling! 'Kproh!,kproh!!,kproh!!!'. And guess what, we were just 30 minutes into a journey of about 5 hours to Accra, and 3 hours to the nearest rest stop(Linda Dor).

Sitting in comfort was a rare luxury.I couldn't rest my buttocks on the seat.I had to use my elbows to suspend my buttocks above the seat, else if the bus enters a pothole or goes over a speed strip,the flood gate around my butt could open instantly!

Every second was like an hour.I was sweating like a virgin fetish priest under the air conditioner.Whiles the rest of the passengers were watching one of these Akrobeto Kumawood movies and laughing their heads off,I was just watching outside the bus through the window. My only hope was to see the washroom at Linda Dor within the next micro second.

My tummy kept rumbling dangerously.The flood gate wanted to open badly.Time was an enemy, and the passenger seated next to me was pissing me off badly with her continuous laughter.

Just when I thought the end was near and I was about to give up,I lifted my head,and within 500 metres, I saw a signage with the inscription, 'LINDA DOR'. Sosket!

The end was within sight,but the desire to release also shot above the roof.By the time the bus stopped properly,I was already at the door waiting for the driver to open up.

Alas,the door was open.I stepped out and saw the washroom in sight.It was just a stone-throw away.But it took me forever to get there.It was a looooooong walk to freedom.I had to walk very,very gently and carefully else..........

I finally got to the entrance,left my whole wallet with the attendant,grabbed t-roll and before I could say 'fi',I was already grounded firmly & deeply on the WATER CLOSET....

WHAT A SWEEEEEET RELIEF!!!

Solomon(Accra)

#ShittyTales

ACCRA IS WET

The rains just came!

No foreplay,

No romance,

No protection.

Accra is wet.

Reeeeally wet.

But the rain will still penetrate.

It will cum again,

And the drains will soon be pregnant.

Their wombs will open up,

And guess what?

NADMO will be on standby to share blankets,tugyimi rice & student mattresses at the outdooring.

               

ALBINO MULATTO

Allow the albino to feel free to believe he's a mulatto.

Leave the tortoise to feel its shell is an imprisonment,

And that it'll be safer outside it.

Force not to change an opinion,

Nor stress to make people see what they don't want to believe.

Time vindicates,

And crucifies.

So just relax,

And let the opinion of the albino who thinks he's a mulatto remain sacred,

Till it's time for him to shave his armpit,

And pubic hair.

#COVID19Thoughts

21 DAYS

“Could the young but realize how soon they will become mere walking bundles of habits, they would give more heed to their conduct while in the plastic state,” William James...

Will Durant also observed that, “We are what we repeatedly do,” 

3 long weeks or better still, 21 days under lockdown has presented us with enough time to form new habits or magnify old ones. The sad reality is that,the good ones take some amount of deliberate and consistent effort to form. Trying to stay in shape, read new books,learn new skills and likes don't come easy.

On the other hand, we learn a whole lot of 'unwanted' habits unconsciously.They're so easy and so free at times. Eating in bits around the clock whiles staying out of shape can embrace us unknowingly.

People have done a lot of adjustments within the past 21 days of lockdown.Some have become used to lazying about throughout the day coz there's nowhere to go. Others have learnt how to watch movies and chat on social media throughout the whole day. Those whom until the lockdown never stayed  home for more than an hour have gradually become used to it. These are not normal times so a lot of abnormal habits have been picked up.

As the president keeps saying, 'This too shall pass'. We'll go through this COVID-19 pandemic successfully, and return to normalcy. We don't know when but we know it'll certainly happen.

The lockdown has been lifted and some people are having a hell of a time recaliberating themselves into 'work mode'. Thanks to the lockdown. A lot of unlearning has to be done and that doesn't come easy!

Children and a few other adults are still home, waiting for things to return to normal. Some are home watching cartoons and playing games throughout the day.Things they wouldn't do on a normal day.

So between now and the time we return to a state of normalcy,let's be mindful of the habits we form whilst we have enough time on our hands at home.Else we'll have a lot of unlearning to do within very limited time. That can be frustrating!

Some psychologists claim it takes 21 days of deliberate and consistent efforts to unlearn a bad habit. Let's save ourselves all that stress and headache coz the Post-Corona era will be swift and tough! And time will indeed be money! You might not get that priceless amount of time to unlearn. Start today...!

#COVID19PostLockdownThoughts