IT WAS MY FIRST TIME

IT WAS MY FIRST TIME

I remember my first time day out of my mum’s womb

It was on August, 1st at 23 hours GMT in a taxi

Everyone around was excited but was expecting me to cry

I never did

A midwife hit me on the buttocks to cry

And weeee …..

I wee-weed on her face with a smile

That was my first smile & wee-wee too

***

 I remember my first day in school

I was just 7 months by then at Mercy Day Care Center

I got to the school with my dad in a sleepy mood

He left me crying in the hands of a pretty lady

The lady told me not to cry and asked what I wanted

I pointed straight to her chest

I wanted the milk stored in the container on her chest

She looked at me in amazement & nodded in disapproval

Well, it wasn’t my fault though

 Because I thought she was my new mum

Besides, my dad never told me the place was called a ‘school’

And that the pretty lady was a ‘teacher’

Don’t blame for that

Because that was my first time in school

***

I remember the first time I received a love letter

It was from a very gorgeous girl back in school

Her sweet name started with the letter ‘E’

I shivered instantly when I had the letter

Out of overexcitement, I couldn’t open the letter up till I got home

I headed straight to the public toilet to read it

That was the only place where I was assured full privacy

I started reading the letter & within some few minutes

I felt something within my shorts resurrecting from its slumber

It took me over an hour to finish reading a one & half-page letter

I read it like a government-approved text book for WAEC exams

By the time I was done reading

My shorts had been soaked in a mysterious substance that felt like starch

I thought the content of the letter had made me sick

Don’t blame me though

It was my first time

***

I remember my first kiss

It was around 10pm behind a blue tailoring shop

She saw people kissing in ‘Acapulco Bay’ so she wanted us to try

She protruded her lips & like a sheep being led to the abattoir

I gladly stretched out mine too

She asked me to close my eyes which I merrily did

I wonder if it was even a kiss since it lasted less than 2 seconds

Our lips touched & in less than 2 seconds

I felt a mighty hand had hooked my shorts

I immediately turned round to find out whom that ‘enemy of progress’ was

And guess who it was….???

It was her father…!!!

Don’t blame for my naivety

Because they were my first time

What were your first times like…???

IT'S NEVER FAR FROM YOU...!!!

IT’S NEVER FAR FROM YOU

It’s been over a score & some few years

Since I became a tenant of this wild, wild planet

From a distance, my ears have beheld countless events

My eyes have witnessed numerous & unimaginable misfortunes

I always thought bad things only happen to bad people

I knew I was immune from all these calamities

Because I knew I was a good man within & without

Kuuku’s father suddenly lost his job

 But I thought mine was too skillful to encounter that fate

Olembe & Selorm had been combing for job opportunities

Since they both graduated five years ago

I never gave a thought to their situation

Because I knew that could never happen to me

At the age 40, Haruna is still struggling to get a woman to settle down with

Olivia has been writing the same exams for the past 3 years without success

Our next door neighbour’s son is almost 3 years

Yet he’s unable to even pronounce his own name properly

I see orphans & the underprivileged every now & then on the streets

But their plights hardly attract my attention

These incidents are pitiful

But I never picturised myself or anyone closer to me in such situations

I always thought I was exempted

Little did I know that the earth does not sit idle in space

It continually rotates & revolves around the sun

I never ever imagined my good self in Olivia’s shoes

But today, I find myself writing, rewriting & re-rewriting my social studies paper

If I’m not mistaken, the next sitting will be my forth

I’m pretty sure the examiner is even familiar with my name & handwriting by now

Countless situations have occurred to people so dear to me

That I barely imagined could ever happen

A lot of water has gone under the bridge

Times & seasons have changed from the genesis of creation

Yet, the same ancient principles that governed the earth remain unchanged

It took me awhile & a bit of pain to realize this

Irrespective of where one finds himself on the fortune ladder

He should always cushion himself against the unforeseen

Whether good or bad

Because as mortal as we are

NOTHING IS FAR FROM US….

BEHOLD,THE BRIDE...!!!

BEHOLD,THE BRIDE…!!!

From the very day I proposed

And you gladly said ‘YES!’,

I have gradually become a better man

I owned virtually nothing
But I still managed to propose to you

You had the world at your feet yet you gracefully accepted

I know I’m not the most handsome of men

I don’t need any other person to draw my attention to that

Because my father even calls me ‘Donkey Kong’

My gross monthly income couldn’t even buy a single China phone

In spite all these

You went ahead to intoxicate me over the years with your love & care

You’ve been much closer to me than my boxer shorts

You’ve paid more attention to me than Justice Atuguba

The only thing I really wish for

Is to give you my all in return

And continually stand firm by you at all times

I can’t wait for the day

When I can personally exhibit you to the entire world

I can’t wait to permanently replace your family name with mine

In the presence of Pope Francis & Sheik Nuru Sharbutu

I just can’t wait for the day

When my best man would announce to the world with glee,…..

‘BEHOLD, THE BRIDE…!!!’

'I LOVE YOU' DOESN'T PAY BILLS...

‘I LOVE YOU’ DOESN’T PAY BILLS

You tell me you love me every time

And I surely, I know you do

Deep within my heart of hearts

And with every bit of breath within me

I love you too

Probably more than you do

You’re the kind of man I’ve always wanted

I really thank God I have you all for myself

You posses the looks

You have the swag

The sound of your voice alone grants me more pleasure than orgasm

I boast of you to my friends all the time

I make them aware of how romantic you are

A moment spent with you is an endless paradise

You dazzle my world

And illuminate my darkest paths

You have all the qualities of a perfect man

BUT…..

It’s about time we wake up from our slumber & face reality

I didn’t want to touch on this initially

But I think you need to be aware

That love & economics move hand-in-hand

                                                                 I am a woman

An ordinary woman who has basic needs to be met

You tell me you love me every second

But my dear man

‘I love you’ alone doesn’t make a home

It’s about time you put flesh on your love

Express it

Make it more than words and body touches

‘I love you’ alone won’t pay for my nails or eyelash extension

 ‘I love you’ won’t pay for my Bangladesh or Vietnamese wig

Neither will it pay for my facials

You always want me to whatsapp you lovely messages

But baby boy, you should be aware by now

That ‘I love you’ doesn’t pay for recharge cards

When we decide to go out on Friday nights

‘I love you’ won’t pay the taxi driver

Neither will it pay for the drinks & chinchinga

‘I love you’ won’t pay for the pizza

Neither will it pay for the French fries & grilled guinea fowl

You want me to look spicey anytime we’re going out

But you know as much as I do

That ‘I love you’ doesn’t own a boutique

Your favourite meal is rice & black pepper with baked beans

Against a chilled bottle of lemon-flavoured sobolo

I don’t mind serving you that everyday

But it’s rather unfortunate

‘I love you’ alone can’t get that on your table

I sincerely love you as much as you do

But we need to face reality

Love that stands alone shall definitely die

It needs to be supported by a wallet

I wish this wasn’t the case

But my dear baby boy

You definitely need to know

That ‘I love you’ doesn’t pay bills…!!!